Things are crazy hectic with organising the upcoming Tunbridge Wells Half Marathon on Sunday.. lots of work, a new (and naughty) dog and school/special needs issues with my eldest son. I have a stinky cold at the moment too, I can't run and it's likely my knee will need surgery. Put that all together on top of the last 2 years and it's no wonder I'm feeling wrecked. BLEUGH! am I allowed to grumble??
I'm really in need of some TLC.. or maybe just a holiday. A friend of mine (who suffers from cardiomyopathy and doesn't run at all anymore) said to me last night that he felt like he was 100 years old and I know exactly what he means. Being surrounded by fit runners all the time doesn't help either and I'm seriously thinking of finding a knitting or jigsaw club instead.. ;-)
A friend said to me yesterday that I looked 'rough' (it was meant in a kind sympathetic way).. and believe me.. I feel it too. What I need is a Gok Wan makeover! My body image and confidence isn't at it's best (that would be a major understatement) and I find myself living in 'sweatpants' and comfy clothes most of the time. This is partly to 'hide' the bag and for comfort reasons too.. tight jeans and a stoma don't go terribly well together - or at least not all the time. The biggest problem I have though, is the fact I've gained weight, am really not athletic looking any more and just feel really untoned and unfit. I'm torn between beating myself up about it 'having a stoma and surgery is no excuse' and feeling just a little bit sorry for myself.
I know I've been through a lot, but other people have much worse and I can't sit around blaming the surgery or my situation. But it's hard to stay positive and strong all of the time.. and right now I'd quite like to hide away under my duvet or a giant sack.
I've got an MRI scan on Saturday for my knee, but the surgeon is pretty sure it's a torn meniscus which is going to need an arthroscopy. It's not a big deal in terms of surgical procedures, and I should probably just get on with it, but it'll mean another 3-4 weeks of recovery and not being able to run at all. The thought of the anaesthetic and another trip to the operating theatre frankly brings me out in a cold sweat. UGH!
Without it though I won't be able to run at all, and in order to get fit and be where I want to be, it's got to be done and I just need to be brave. So I'll see what the surgeon has to say on Saturday and what the MRI shows.
Anyway.. I can't sit here moaning all day... I think I need a good kick up the backside... and if anyone has got Gok Wan's number then let me know!