Cranbrook Comeback!

I'd always said when I did a triathlon again I'd feel back to 'normal'. That was my benchmark. So Sunday 3rd June and Cranbrook Sprint Triathlon was always going to be a major turning point and an indication of my recovery and ultimately my adaptation to life with the 'bag'.

The date of the race represented almost 2 years to the date since I first took ill, and almost a year to the day since I had my permanent stoma so it was fairly poignant.

The last year hasn't been easy though. I foolishly thought I'd have my final surgery (July 2011) and be able to spring back into training and racing - I even thought I'd be able to do the London Marathon back in April! How wrong was I!? It's taken months of physio, rehab and patience, taking 1 step forwards and 2 steps back and has been hugely frustrating.  Each one of the operations and subsequent periods of recovery has knocked me down lower and lower and destroyed my fitness, muscle mass and mental strength.

Over the last couple of weeks however, things have started to come together a bit more and whilst I'm a very long way from being fit, I felt that I might just manage to have a go at the race and at least complete it.

Lying in bed on race morning at 5.30am listening to the rain lashing the window however, and doing a triathlon was actually the last thing I wanted to do. What was I thinking??! could someone remind me why I was doing this? Rolling over and going back to sleep would have been the sensible option.
I'd packed my kit bag the night before and cleaned 2 inches of dust off my race bike (literally!). I laughed as when I cleaned out my old bag, I found mouldy swimming caps and energy gels nearly 2 years out of date! It had been a long time... and I was pretty nervous. Would the bag stay put? would I fall off my bike? how would I manage the gels and sports drinks with my new fragile stomach? Would the organisers let me compete as a novice again? I certainly felt like one.

Getting to the race though and I felt myself checking out the 'competition' and their bikes! ha! old habits die hard. I gave myself a mental talking to.. 'you're not fit, you haven't raced or trained properly for 2 years and you have had 4 operations and have an ileostomy for goodness sake! don't put any pressure on yourself! don't be stupid.. just finishing this thing will be enough.' But the other bit of my brain was saying 'but it's not an excuse? I just want to see how well I can do? and I want to RACE'! It was pretty confusing.. so all I could do was get on with it and see what happened.
I definitely didn't feel slick through transitions and I was much slower across all 3 disciplines, but considering everything that I've been through and how unfit I feel I am, I was actually really pleased with how it went.  Out on the bike things got wobbly for a little while when I realised I'd possibly pushed it a bit too hard (trying - rather foolishly - to chase down the eventual 2nd place lady!), but I slowed down, got my heartrate back down and recovered. The run is usually my strength, but  I wasn't able to push it as much as I'd like - mainly due to the fact I haven't really done much running training :-) and it was all off-road through the woods and very muddy. But I finished strongly in 1:24 and felt like I was in control most of the way round. The race itself was lovely and despite the freezing cold conditions and drizzle, was well organised and a nice course.
Without wanting to focus on finish time or position - after all the 'goal' was just to get round :-) - I was thrilled when my husband pointed out I had actually come 6th lady overall and 2nd in my age group. It wasn't a huge race to be fair, but I was still pleased.. and it sounds good anyway :-)  I was really touched by his post on Facebook later that day and such lovely supportive comments from my amazing friends and people who've been by my side throughout the last 2 years. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart .. you know who you are.
It was just so awesome being back in the sport, able to compete and feel like I was 'normal' again. It was a crucial turning point and I can't wait to do my next one.. which is Bexhill Lions Triathlon in 2 weeks time. This time it's a 750m sea swim which will involve the added complication of a wetsuit  ... but most exciting (and probably my main reason for doing it) is that Graham Norton (who I love!) is handing out the medals! bring it on!
Now.. how about that Ironman!?

Ok.. it's getting boring now!

This blog is horribly overdue.. to the point that a Facebook friend even prompted me for an update the other day. I guess that means people are at least reading it and following my progress. Since I started writing it, it's had almost 5,500 hits.. quite scary that number of people are reading about me, my ramblings and my bowels :-)  Joking aside, I really hope that in some way it helps to either support, educate or give hope to those reading it.. please let me know what you think.


So that amazing trip to St Lucia feels like it was a million years ago and I'm ready for another holiday already! Life is pretty complicated at the moment with ongoing family/school stuff.. and it's hard just staying on top of it. Hence the delay with this blog.. Thank goodness my stomach is better, as if it was 12 months ago, I wouldn't be able to cope with the stress of my current situation with being so ill. 


This time last year, I remember being a very miserable and sick person and lurching from day to day, in constant pain, many sleepless nights and surviving on white processed carbs and liquid meal replacements.


Anyway, 12 months later, I have an ileostomy and things are much better. For a start I can eat and work and am busy preparing for my first triathlon (in 2 years) on 3rd June. It's only a little sprint one locally where I have to do 400m swim, 20km bike and 5km run.


I say 'preparing' however, in the loosest way.  My training is a bit hit and miss if I'm honest, and the inconsistency of it all and the ongoing niggles are starting to get a bit boring.  There's no doubt I'm making progress, I'm definitely feeling fitter and stronger at times, but goodness it's going to be a long road to full recovery. When people ask me how I'm doing.. I just roll my eyes now. I don't want to bore them with the answer!


My knee is better though.. it didn't turn out to be a meniscus tear and thankfully I've escaped the surgeon's scalpel. Although bizzarely he was still pretty keen to have a go anyway! Physiotherapy is working for sure, but the whole problem seems to be a major biomechanical imbalance on my right side (where the ileostomy is) from my knee all the way up through my quad, adductor, glute, hip and up to my side above my ribs.  The pain, inflammation and tightness shifts around depending on what I've been doing!  All caused, no doubt, by the 4 surgeries, changes in posture (I even sit wonkily) etc etc blah blah blah. I seem to know of lots of other people with ileostomies that don't have these problems and I don't know why my body isn't playing ball.. but it just shows how we're all so different.


My physio reckons it will take 2 years (!) to fully recover.. although she keeps assuring me that I will eventually. 


So until 'eventually' comes.. I'm doing a mix of bits of swimming, cycling and running as well as gym work and stretching/core stability stuff at home.. there isn't really a plan! Just trying to stay positive and work out scientifically which activity is making things better or worse. Every day there seems to be a different answer.


There are lots of positives though.. and here are a few:


1. Swimming has always been my weakness and I haven't been in the pool properly since all this began in June 2010. Over the last month I've been going more regularly and gradually built it up - major jelly arms to begin with. Historically my best time for 400m was about 7:20.. so for a laugh I timed myself over 400m to see how bad things were, and totally shocked myself by swimming 8:00 dead. Just shows swim training is highly overrated! ha.


2. Loving my cycling and have been going out with my friend Steve, who has been amazingly supportive. We hit the longest ride of 42 miles so far which was just amazing! I'm also starting to work out which sports drinks, bars and gels etc work best and always remember to take a dose of immodium before going for a long ride which makes sure the bag stays empty.


3. I've started running with the Harriers again on a Wednesday night and even though I'm just doing 5 miles, it feels fantastic just to be part of the gang again.


None of this is easy though. There are times when it would be easier to just give up on it all and my hopes of getting fit again, competing and doing a marathon or an Ironman. Sometimes I just feel tired of battling on with such little progression. But a quick slap and I'm back in a better frame of mind and have to keep going.. I've never been a quitter.


So this quote sums things up nicely... 'Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did'  Newt Gingrich


Anyway.. if I'm still in one piece on 3rd June, I'll have a waddle around that triathlon and report back! wish me luck.... 

Bikinis, water skiing and turning a corner!

Just back from an amazing week in St Lucia. My first beach/swimsuit/hot holiday with the ileostomy. Before we went I was feeling completely frazzled and so it was just what I needed.. proper relaxation which didn't involve running, cycling or climbing mountains!

All that fretting beforehand was for nothing. I didn't need to worry about the bag blowing up on the plane (my boys weren't keen to sit next to me just in case!) or being frisked at the airport and asked to remove the bag. Nor did I end up in hospital with food poisoning or a blockage. In fact my wonderful little stoma worked like a dream and I was able to have a fantastic time and almost forget all about it. I even went water skiing!! Ironically I was more worried about twisting my knee rather than what might happen to the bag. I haven't been waterskiing for 10 years so it was a little nerve wracking. But there's part of me wants to prove to myself that having an ileostomy won't stop me doing anything, and that includes water skiing! In some ways I think it will end up making me more determined. It was great fun and just made me feel so alive and 'normal'.

I also wore a bikini, ate pretty much what I wanted and I can guarantee that 99% of people on the beach didn't have a clue. The one person I did mention it to, couldn't believe I had a bag and was staring at my stomach wondering where it was. I did have to empty almost every 45 minutes to keep it flat and had a 'cover up' on hand in case it decided to bulge more than normal. It also didn't like the salt water too much and as I was swimming a lot the sticky wafer was soon losing its stick, but other than that it honestly was no problem at all.

When I had the surgery last July, I did ask my lovely surgeon to position the stoma as low as possible so I might be able to wear a bikini again one day. And I'm super grateful to him for that :-) I promised I'd post a photo and here it is..  for no other reason than to give hope to other people facing surgery or who have an ileostomy already. If you look super closely you can just see the top of the bag poking over the top of the waistband - but probably best not to look too closely! I'm not in the shape I used to be :-(

That is starting to change though as my diet slowly gets back on track and doesn't revolve around white carbohydrates anymore. I'm able to tolerate more protein and vegetables and the horrible bloating and weight gain around my middle is slowly going. My leg continues to improve and my knee is much better. So much so that I'm back running a bit again and up to 40 minutes with no pain at all! Yippee! I'm doing lots of rehab though, hopping, squatting and foam rolling like a woman possessed.  Even though I haven't run for about 6 weeks I haven't lost any fitness thanks to the tough bike rides I've been doing with Steve, so my run on Friday was 3 minutes faster than the last time I did it, on the same average heartrate. Yippee yippee yippee!

I'm doing the British 10km on 8th July in London in aid of Ostomy Lifestyle - this fantastic charity are all about helping people with an ostomy live a positive life. Having a stoma doesn't mean your life is over. It's the perfect charity for me to be involved with as that's exactly my philosophy and I hope I can do more with them in the future.

The race will be almost one year to the day since I had surgery to form the stoma, so will be a great way to celebrate being healthy, well and able to run again and I'm really excited about it. Here's my fundraising page if you want to help me raise a few pennies.

Before that though, I'll be doing Cranbrook Sprint Triathlon on 3rd June. It will be almost 2 years to the day when I first got rushed into hospital with stomach pain. Its hard to think about how much has changed since then. The last triathlon I did was Weymouth Half Ironman on 6th June 2010. This one is just a short sprint so 400m swim, 24km bike and 5km run and a nice small quiet one where I won't know anyone (apart from Steve who's doing it with me). I won't be breaking any records or picking up any trophies, but I can't wait and now my leg is improving feel really positive to be able to train consistently and it's lovely to finally see a tiny bit of progress :-)

The holiday has been a fantastic turning point for me and I've come home loads more positive and feeling stronger about my body, coping with the ileostomy and what the future holds.

'Fall seven times, stand up eight'. Japanese Proverb

I haven't had a second to breathe over the last few weeks, let alone write this blog.  So apologies.. there's a lot to catch up on.


After my mini-meltdown in my last blog post, lovely hubby took the 'unsubtle' hint and decided that a holiday was in order. A proper lie down and flop holiday, not one involving mountain bikes, climbing mountains or running events which is more normal for us! So next week we're off to St Lucia and I simply can't wait.  My plan is to cover myself in sun cream, open a book and not move for 7 days. 


The thought of a beach holiday however did send me into a bit of a tailspin. This will be the first time we've had a 'hot' holiday since I had my ileostomy, and as any woman might appreciate, the 'swimsuit' and 'bag' issue was the first thing on my mind. My string bikinis and hipster shorts have been ceremoniously dumped in the bin (with a sob) and I hit the shops for a flattering swimsuit that would hide the bag and give me a bit of beach confidence. Hmm.. not an easy task. For any fellow ileostomy ladies out there who might be vaguely interested, I settled on a couple of Sea Folly one piece suits with a double layer and some gathers over the front. I even managed to find a bikini! It's got a cute little skirt and hides the bag brilliantly (imagine the sort of thing a 2 year old might wear!). As my stoma is quite low on my stomach, I can just about get away with it if I fold the top of the bag over. It's not a fantastic look, but it'll do. If I get brave I'll post some photos when I get back..


Vanity aside, more serious issues around travel insurance and potential health problems are also on my mind. I had to upgrade my travel insurance and disclose the ileostomy as a medical condition which isn't covered under the normal policy. This is the first time we've been abroad since my surgery, and the thought of needing any medical treatment whilst on holiday is a horrible one for anyone, but having an ileostomy, increases the risk of something going haywire. Dehydration, food blockages and complications with the stoma are all real - although unlikely - issues which could occur. It had better behave itself as I have no intention of ending up in a St Lucian hospital! I've also heard horror stories of people being body searched at the airport and asked to remove their bag. GULP! although to be honest, it would be more traumatic for the person asking to see what was 'in the bag'.. but I have a neat little card explaining  why I have the bag, what it does and why I can't remove it! Let them try..


In my last post I was having a big old moan about my knee which was causing a lot of pain, stopping me running and there was suspicion it was a meniscus tear. Well.. BIG update. The MRI scan didn't show an obvious meniscus tear so the Surgeon sent me off for 6 weeks of intense physiotherapy and then if no difference he'll do an arthroscopy. The physio got her hands on me, taped the knee and set me an insane amount of rehab to do at home. Let me tell you.. an arthroscopy would have been the easy option. If you don't know what a foam roller is, let me enlighten you. It's like a giant rolling pin made of solid foam - a tool of torture. You roll your leg up and down and release all the tension and lumps in the muscle and tissue. It's agony. But it seems to be working as the knee is 60% improved. The taping on the knee has offset the pain elsewhere into my ITB and hip, which, whilst annoying, is good news. It means it's likely to be a biomechanical issue after all and caused by surgery and all the postural changes since, especially in my hip flexor and glute.  Which just means lots of hard work in the gym, on the roller and enduring pain on the physio's couch. Better than more surgery though and gets me a step closer to running again!


So without wanting to count my chickens, I'm hoping that it might be better by 8th July, so I can do the British 10km on behalf of Ostomy Lifestyle. A fantastic stoma charity which I want to get involved in. They're all about supporting people who have stomas and encouraging them to live life to the full. A couple of my running group have already signed up and it would be great to be there with them. A reasonable target I think?  


In the meantime, I'm keeping my fitness ticking over on the bike and last weekend hit the big 40 miles barrier! my longest ride since June 2010. Each ride I feel stronger and fitter. The hills get a little easier and I feel more confident with my bike handling skills and less fragile. I've been riding with my friend Steve, and together we're building the distance and it's great to have support and company. 


Anyway.. I'm now 8 months post surgery. I'm not as fit as I'd like or back where I wanted to be. I foolishly hoped I'd be able to run the marathon in April and even an ultra in June. Ha! Well I'm learning (and accepting) that it's going to take much longer than I ever thought. The physio is fantastic and very supportive but keeps saying 'don't underestimate what you've been through' and keeps telling me off for pushing too hard. My version of taking it easy clearly isn't the same as hers! I am however making progress. It's a bumpy old road, but I'm slowly getting there. Wherever 'there' might turn out to be is anyone's guess.
This lovely little Japanese proverb sums it up perfectly.. 'Fall seven times, stand up eight'.  

I need Gok Wan..

Things are crazy hectic with organising the upcoming Tunbridge Wells Half Marathon on Sunday..  lots of work, a new (and naughty) dog and school/special needs issues with my eldest son. I have a stinky cold at the moment too, I can't run and it's likely my knee will need surgery.  Put that all together on top of the last 2 years and it's no wonder I'm feeling wrecked. BLEUGH! am I allowed to grumble?? 


I'm really in need of some TLC.. or maybe just a holiday.  A friend of mine (who suffers from cardiomyopathy and doesn't run at all anymore) said to me last night that he felt like he was 100 years old and I know exactly what he means. Being surrounded by fit runners all the time doesn't help either and I'm seriously thinking of finding a knitting or jigsaw club instead.. ;-) 


A friend said to me yesterday that I looked 'rough' (it was meant in a kind sympathetic way).. and believe me.. I feel it too.  What I need is a Gok Wan makeover! My body image and confidence isn't at it's best (that would be a major understatement) and I find myself living in 'sweatpants' and comfy clothes most of the time.  This is partly to 'hide' the bag and for comfort reasons too.. tight jeans and a stoma don't go terribly well together - or at least not all the time.  The biggest problem I have though, is the fact I've gained weight, am really not athletic looking any more and just feel really untoned and unfit. I'm torn between beating myself up about it 'having a stoma and surgery is no excuse' and feeling just a little bit sorry for myself. 


I know I've been through a lot, but other people have much worse and I can't sit around blaming the surgery or my situation. But it's hard to stay positive and strong all of the time.. and right now I'd quite like to hide away under my duvet or a giant sack. 


I've got an MRI scan on Saturday for my knee, but the surgeon is pretty sure it's a torn meniscus which is going to need an arthroscopy. It's not a big deal in terms of surgical procedures, and I should probably just get on with it, but it'll mean another 3-4 weeks of recovery and not being able to run at all. The thought of the anaesthetic and another trip to the operating theatre frankly brings me out in a cold sweat.  UGH!


Without it though I won't be able to run at all, and in order to get fit and be where I want to be, it's got to be done and I just need to be brave. So I'll see what the surgeon has to say on Saturday and what the MRI shows.


Anyway.. I can't sit here moaning all day... I think I need a good kick up the backside... and if anyone has got Gok Wan's number then let me know! 

The running coach who can't run..

Right.. well there appears to be another 'blip' on my road to recovery... And this time it's nothing to do with my ileostomy or my stupid dysfunctional bowel. 


My right knee has been getting worse and despite doing the correct strengthening exercises and having treatment etc the pain is increasing and I can hardly run at all. So I sought out a second opinion from a physio and she seems convinced it's a tear in the meniscus - not just a muscular tracking problem which we first thought.


This isn't good news. It means a referral to a surgeon, MRI and possible arthroscopy to fix the tear.. followed by 4-6 weeks of no running at all. Physio and strength work just won't sort it. To say it's frustrating after everything else I've been through would be the understatement of the century.  


I've given up running altogether now and the sessions where I coach my group Sarah's Runners I can just about manage a 2 mile hobble with the beginners.. but it's painful and I would reprimand anyone I coach who tried to run with that much knee pain.  So much for my dreams of doing the marathon this year! 


So I am officially the 'running coach who can't run'! ha what irony. 

Me (in the middle) with my lovely runners

On the upside though, we held a charity ball on Saturday night for Sarah's Runners which was a fantastic evening. We raised over £700 for Hospice in the Weald where my dad died a few years ago and everyone had an amazing time. When I started the group 8 years ago it was with a gang of 4 mums from the local village who had asked me to teach them to run. Now the group has grown beyond anything I could ever have imagined where we see over 100 runners each week. I'm really proud of the group and of every single person who comes along, usually petrified on their first session but who then learns what they're capable of and how running can transform their lives. They're a great bunch and I get a huge amount of pleasure from coaching and encouraging them. 


I'll be honest though.. it's not always easy and I have pangs of major envy when friends and others I coach proudly tell me about their fantastic achievements, races and distances. I'm thrilled for them.. but just feel a moment of sadness for myself.  


So yet again I'm faced with another 'bend in the road'. I'd hoped that by now I'd be back running, back in shape and even gearing up for a marathon. Hmmm... 


No-one could have predicted this knee injury and it's nothing to do with the other surgeries. It's just bad luck and could well have been brewing for a while.. My resilience is certainly being tested to the limit though and it's a little set back I really don't need. 


The mention of surgery at first made me go a bit cold. I'm SO done with hospitals, anaesthetic, pain medications (and pain!), surgical procedures, recovery and rehab.. and to have to put myself through it again really DOES NOT appeal. But if I can't run, I can't coach and that is my life. It's who I am and what I do. Running isn't just a hobby. It defines me.


So now I just wait for an consultation appointment and see what is to be suggested. Cycling is still okay though, and as we have thick snow and ice outside, that must mean it's... turbo time!

What a difference a week makes..

I'm feeling so much more positive this week.. the 'grumpy old bag' from last week has been well and truly put in her place! In fact I can't believe I wrote that blog.. who was that negative person?? Not me, that's for sure.


But in a way, that's what's so important about writing this blog and recording all of my feelings and experiences.. the good stuff and the bad. It would be so wrong to dismiss my negative feelings and to only write about the good things. In a way writing about it helps get it out of my system and helps me focus on the positive. Life with an ileostomy isn't all roses, but it's really not as bad as anyone might imagine and I believe it's my responsibility through this blog to show both sides of the coin.


Anyway, I've shelved all ideas about running, about doing the marathon and about trying to build up my mileage.. and since having done that, I feel like a weight has been lifted.  It doesn't mean I'll never run again, but for the moment I need to figure out this hip and knee issue and it's not going to get better if I keep running in pain. I can however, still cycle and it doesn't seem to hurt my knee at all.. yippee! So yesterday I went out with my friend Steve and we did 33 miles all around the local lanes and villages. Glorious weather and great company and a fantastic sense of achievement. I was a seriously happy bunny when I got home and had that lovely 'tiredness' from a 2.5 hour bike ride. No knee or hip pain at all and in fact I actually think it helped strengthen and fire up the muscles.


One of the good things about triathlon has always been that if you have an injury of some sort and it prevents you from doing one of the three sports, you can generally still do at least one of the others. And that is what is important now.. not to be miserable about what I CAN'T do, but to be grateful for what I can do and flexible enough to work it into my schedule. Ok, so running might be off the agenda at the moment, but I still love cycling and swimming and that's more than I could do this time last year when I was feeling so ill. 


So instead of setting a unachieveable running goal that's going to make me miserable, it got me thinking about setting an exciting cycling goal that would provide some motivation and excitement. 


And I'm not one for an easy challenge, so the first thing that came to mind was the 325 mile London to Paris bike ride. Perfect ! don't you think? Of course it's not all in one go.. that would be a bit too much.. well this year anyway. 


You spread it out over 4 days. It would be achieveable yet challenging enough to be exciting. And even better it would co-incide with my 40th birthday and I could do it with my hubby. Right then.. better get ourselves organised and plan it. I've got that excited feeling in the bottom of my stomach, and as my life coach friend Tony will no doubt agree.. that must mean it's the right goal.