Things are crazy hectic with organising the upcoming Tunbridge Wells Half Marathon on Sunday.. lots of work, a new (and naughty) dog and school/special needs issues with my eldest son. I have a stinky cold at the moment too, I can't run and it's likely my knee will need surgery. Put that all together on top of the last 2 years and it's no wonder I'm feeling wrecked. BLEUGH! am I allowed to grumble??
I'm really in need of some TLC.. or maybe just a holiday. A friend of mine (who suffers from cardiomyopathy and doesn't run at all anymore) said to me last night that he felt like he was 100 years old and I know exactly what he means. Being surrounded by fit runners all the time doesn't help either and I'm seriously thinking of finding a knitting or jigsaw club instead.. ;-)
A friend said to me yesterday that I looked 'rough' (it was meant in a kind sympathetic way).. and believe me.. I feel it too. What I need is a Gok Wan makeover! My body image and confidence isn't at it's best (that would be a major understatement) and I find myself living in 'sweatpants' and comfy clothes most of the time. This is partly to 'hide' the bag and for comfort reasons too.. tight jeans and a stoma don't go terribly well together - or at least not all the time. The biggest problem I have though, is the fact I've gained weight, am really not athletic looking any more and just feel really untoned and unfit. I'm torn between beating myself up about it 'having a stoma and surgery is no excuse' and feeling just a little bit sorry for myself.
I know I've been through a lot, but other people have much worse and I can't sit around blaming the surgery or my situation. But it's hard to stay positive and strong all of the time.. and right now I'd quite like to hide away under my duvet or a giant sack.
I've got an MRI scan on Saturday for my knee, but the surgeon is pretty sure it's a torn meniscus which is going to need an arthroscopy. It's not a big deal in terms of surgical procedures, and I should probably just get on with it, but it'll mean another 3-4 weeks of recovery and not being able to run at all. The thought of the anaesthetic and another trip to the operating theatre frankly brings me out in a cold sweat. UGH!
Without it though I won't be able to run at all, and in order to get fit and be where I want to be, it's got to be done and I just need to be brave. So I'll see what the surgeon has to say on Saturday and what the MRI shows.
Anyway.. I can't sit here moaning all day... I think I need a good kick up the backside... and if anyone has got Gok Wan's number then let me know!
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
The running coach who can't run..
Right.. well there appears to be another 'blip' on my road to recovery... And this time it's nothing to do with my ileostomy or my stupid dysfunctional bowel.
My right knee has been getting worse and despite doing the correct strengthening exercises and having treatment etc the pain is increasing and I can hardly run at all. So I sought out a second opinion from a physio and she seems convinced it's a tear in the meniscus - not just a muscular tracking problem which we first thought.
This isn't good news. It means a referral to a surgeon, MRI and possible arthroscopy to fix the tear.. followed by 4-6 weeks of no running at all. Physio and strength work just won't sort it. To say it's frustrating after everything else I've been through would be the understatement of the century.
I've given up running altogether now and the sessions where I coach my group Sarah's Runners I can just about manage a 2 mile hobble with the beginners.. but it's painful and I would reprimand anyone I coach who tried to run with that much knee pain. So much for my dreams of doing the marathon this year!
So I am officially the 'running coach who can't run'! ha what irony.
On the upside though, we held a charity ball on Saturday night for Sarah's Runners which was a fantastic evening. We raised over £700 for Hospice in the Weald where my dad died a few years ago and everyone had an amazing time. When I started the group 8 years ago it was with a gang of 4 mums from the local village who had asked me to teach them to run. Now the group has grown beyond anything I could ever have imagined where we see over 100 runners each week. I'm really proud of the group and of every single person who comes along, usually petrified on their first session but who then learns what they're capable of and how running can transform their lives. They're a great bunch and I get a huge amount of pleasure from coaching and encouraging them.
I'll be honest though.. it's not always easy and I have pangs of major envy when friends and others I coach proudly tell me about their fantastic achievements, races and distances. I'm thrilled for them.. but just feel a moment of sadness for myself.
So yet again I'm faced with another 'bend in the road'. I'd hoped that by now I'd be back running, back in shape and even gearing up for a marathon. Hmmm...
No-one could have predicted this knee injury and it's nothing to do with the other surgeries. It's just bad luck and could well have been brewing for a while.. My resilience is certainly being tested to the limit though and it's a little set back I really don't need.
The mention of surgery at first made me go a bit cold. I'm SO done with hospitals, anaesthetic, pain medications (and pain!), surgical procedures, recovery and rehab.. and to have to put myself through it again really DOES NOT appeal. But if I can't run, I can't coach and that is my life. It's who I am and what I do. Running isn't just a hobby. It defines me.
So now I just wait for an consultation appointment and see what is to be suggested. Cycling is still okay though, and as we have thick snow and ice outside, that must mean it's... turbo time!
My right knee has been getting worse and despite doing the correct strengthening exercises and having treatment etc the pain is increasing and I can hardly run at all. So I sought out a second opinion from a physio and she seems convinced it's a tear in the meniscus - not just a muscular tracking problem which we first thought.
This isn't good news. It means a referral to a surgeon, MRI and possible arthroscopy to fix the tear.. followed by 4-6 weeks of no running at all. Physio and strength work just won't sort it. To say it's frustrating after everything else I've been through would be the understatement of the century.
I've given up running altogether now and the sessions where I coach my group Sarah's Runners I can just about manage a 2 mile hobble with the beginners.. but it's painful and I would reprimand anyone I coach who tried to run with that much knee pain. So much for my dreams of doing the marathon this year!
So I am officially the 'running coach who can't run'! ha what irony.
 |
| Me (in the middle) with my lovely runners |
I'll be honest though.. it's not always easy and I have pangs of major envy when friends and others I coach proudly tell me about their fantastic achievements, races and distances. I'm thrilled for them.. but just feel a moment of sadness for myself.
So yet again I'm faced with another 'bend in the road'. I'd hoped that by now I'd be back running, back in shape and even gearing up for a marathon. Hmmm...
No-one could have predicted this knee injury and it's nothing to do with the other surgeries. It's just bad luck and could well have been brewing for a while.. My resilience is certainly being tested to the limit though and it's a little set back I really don't need.
The mention of surgery at first made me go a bit cold. I'm SO done with hospitals, anaesthetic, pain medications (and pain!), surgical procedures, recovery and rehab.. and to have to put myself through it again really DOES NOT appeal. But if I can't run, I can't coach and that is my life. It's who I am and what I do. Running isn't just a hobby. It defines me.
So now I just wait for an consultation appointment and see what is to be suggested. Cycling is still okay though, and as we have thick snow and ice outside, that must mean it's... turbo time!
Monday, 23 January 2012
What a difference a week makes..
I'm feeling so much more positive this week.. the 'grumpy old bag' from last week has been well and truly put in her place! In fact I can't believe I wrote that blog.. who was that negative person?? Not me, that's for sure.
But in a way, that's what's so important about writing this blog and recording all of my feelings and experiences.. the good stuff and the bad. It would be so wrong to dismiss my negative feelings and to only write about the good things. In a way writing about it helps get it out of my system and helps me focus on the positive. Life with an ileostomy isn't all roses, but it's really not as bad as anyone might imagine and I believe it's my responsibility through this blog to show both sides of the coin.
Anyway, I've shelved all ideas about running, about doing the marathon and about trying to build up my mileage.. and since having done that, I feel like a weight has been lifted. It doesn't mean I'll never run again, but for the moment I need to figure out this hip and knee issue and it's not going to get better if I keep running in pain. I can however, still cycle and it doesn't seem to hurt my knee at all.. yippee! So yesterday I went out with my friend Steve and we did 33 miles all around the local lanes and villages. Glorious weather and great company and a fantastic sense of achievement. I was a seriously happy bunny when I got home and had that lovely 'tiredness' from a 2.5 hour bike ride. No knee or hip pain at all and in fact I actually think it helped strengthen and fire up the muscles.
One of the good things about triathlon has always been that if you have an injury of some sort and it prevents you from doing one of the three sports, you can generally still do at least one of the others. And that is what is important now.. not to be miserable about what I CAN'T do, but to be grateful for what I can do and flexible enough to work it into my schedule. Ok, so running might be off the agenda at the moment, but I still love cycling and swimming and that's more than I could do this time last year when I was feeling so ill.
So instead of setting a unachieveable running goal that's going to make me miserable, it got me thinking about setting an exciting cycling goal that would provide some motivation and excitement.
And I'm not one for an easy challenge, so the first thing that came to mind was the 325 mile London to Paris bike ride. Perfect ! don't you think? Of course it's not all in one go.. that would be a bit too much.. well this year anyway.
You spread it out over 4 days. It would be achieveable yet challenging enough to be exciting. And even better it would co-incide with my 40th birthday and I could do it with my hubby. Right then.. better get ourselves organised and plan it. I've got that excited feeling in the bottom of my stomach, and as my life coach friend Tony will no doubt agree.. that must mean it's the right goal.
But in a way, that's what's so important about writing this blog and recording all of my feelings and experiences.. the good stuff and the bad. It would be so wrong to dismiss my negative feelings and to only write about the good things. In a way writing about it helps get it out of my system and helps me focus on the positive. Life with an ileostomy isn't all roses, but it's really not as bad as anyone might imagine and I believe it's my responsibility through this blog to show both sides of the coin.
Anyway, I've shelved all ideas about running, about doing the marathon and about trying to build up my mileage.. and since having done that, I feel like a weight has been lifted. It doesn't mean I'll never run again, but for the moment I need to figure out this hip and knee issue and it's not going to get better if I keep running in pain. I can however, still cycle and it doesn't seem to hurt my knee at all.. yippee! So yesterday I went out with my friend Steve and we did 33 miles all around the local lanes and villages. Glorious weather and great company and a fantastic sense of achievement. I was a seriously happy bunny when I got home and had that lovely 'tiredness' from a 2.5 hour bike ride. No knee or hip pain at all and in fact I actually think it helped strengthen and fire up the muscles.
One of the good things about triathlon has always been that if you have an injury of some sort and it prevents you from doing one of the three sports, you can generally still do at least one of the others. And that is what is important now.. not to be miserable about what I CAN'T do, but to be grateful for what I can do and flexible enough to work it into my schedule. Ok, so running might be off the agenda at the moment, but I still love cycling and swimming and that's more than I could do this time last year when I was feeling so ill.
So instead of setting a unachieveable running goal that's going to make me miserable, it got me thinking about setting an exciting cycling goal that would provide some motivation and excitement.
And I'm not one for an easy challenge, so the first thing that came to mind was the 325 mile London to Paris bike ride. Perfect ! don't you think? Of course it's not all in one go.. that would be a bit too much.. well this year anyway.
You spread it out over 4 days. It would be achieveable yet challenging enough to be exciting. And even better it would co-incide with my 40th birthday and I could do it with my hubby. Right then.. better get ourselves organised and plan it. I've got that excited feeling in the bottom of my stomach, and as my life coach friend Tony will no doubt agree.. that must mean it's the right goal.
Monday, 16 January 2012
Grumpy old bag..
Apparently today (16th January) is the grumpiest day of the year and officially called 'Blue Monday'.. According to the news, it's to do with the build up of debt after Christmas, failed New Year resolutions and the 'back to work' blues now the euphoria of the festive break is a distant memory.
I can relate with that.. but my grumpiness is due to a realisation that this rehab process - and return to proper running - is going to be far more prolonged than I thought. I'm trying really hard to be positive, strong and motivated.. but if I'm honest it's not going well.
Everyone around me, people in my running group and even runners that I'm coaching are reporting in with tales of their wonderful mileage, great achievements and big success.. and whilst I'm thrilled for them all, deep down inside I'm feeling just a bit envious and glum.
I, perhaps naively, thought that 6 months after surgery I'd be somewhere close to being back to normal. Ha! far from it. It turns out that there are some major biomechanical imbalances developing between my right and left side. I discovered this last week after therapy and a training session in the gym on Friday and the difference in strength and flexibility is getting more and more pronounced. The right side - where the stoma is sited (right in the middle of my rectus abdominus) and where I had the previous stoma (leaving a 5 inch scar) - is significantly weaker than the left.. all through the hip, glute and quad. This is what's causing the constant discomfort in my hip and pain through my knee. SIGH! I probably shouldn't be running at all and need to spend lots of time in the gym rebuilding and on the therapists table having treatment and massage. This is always going to be a problem now apparently.. and I'll have to work on it forever. Rather like when you say to the midwife after giving birth 'when can I stop doing pelvic floor exercises'... and she say's 'err never'.
It's clearly not enough that I had to have 4 abdominal surgeries, spend a month in hospital, swap all my muscle tone for body fat, end up with a stomach that looks like the surface of the moon (with a bit of bowel sticking out of it), miss out on my Ironman that I'd trained so hard for and lose pretty much 18 months of my life to illness, surgery and recovery. Huff.
My weight gain is another bug bear.. (and one I'm not entirely comfortable blogging about). I'm now about 12lbs heavier than I was before (sshh!).. I guess going from being an athlete to a sick couch potato would do that. And believe me, it's all fat! A fellow runner pointed that out last week at a club run 'Oh your body shape is TOTALLY different now isn't it'.. he says. A very helpful observation!!! Not. But I don't feel ready to put any pressure on myself to worry about losing weight just yet. The motivation to have a flat bikini stomach has gone forever and the desire to lose a few pounds to get my 10km time down.. well that's not exactly a priority. So I'm hoping that one day soon I'll wake up and the desire to really work on the weight loss will be there.. for the moment it's done a runner.
The whole thing has been an interesting process though and taught me a lot (see I'm trying to find a positive here!) about myself and others. Like I said in my last post, it's just going to take a long time and I need to be super patient and persevere. I know deep down that I'll get there eventually.. it's just uber frustrating.
Ironically, the bag is actually the least of my concerns. All I want is to be able to run without a knackered knee, hip or leg. It's not much to ask is it? I know things could have been much much worse. And in some ways I'm lucky to be here at all. But I want more from my life than that. I want to be able to compete in running and triathlon, to take part in crazy events, to feel fit and be able to run properly and freely and to just be me again. In the meantime, I'm just going to have a moan. Thanks for listening.
I can relate with that.. but my grumpiness is due to a realisation that this rehab process - and return to proper running - is going to be far more prolonged than I thought. I'm trying really hard to be positive, strong and motivated.. but if I'm honest it's not going well.
Everyone around me, people in my running group and even runners that I'm coaching are reporting in with tales of their wonderful mileage, great achievements and big success.. and whilst I'm thrilled for them all, deep down inside I'm feeling just a bit envious and glum.
I, perhaps naively, thought that 6 months after surgery I'd be somewhere close to being back to normal. Ha! far from it. It turns out that there are some major biomechanical imbalances developing between my right and left side. I discovered this last week after therapy and a training session in the gym on Friday and the difference in strength and flexibility is getting more and more pronounced. The right side - where the stoma is sited (right in the middle of my rectus abdominus) and where I had the previous stoma (leaving a 5 inch scar) - is significantly weaker than the left.. all through the hip, glute and quad. This is what's causing the constant discomfort in my hip and pain through my knee. SIGH! I probably shouldn't be running at all and need to spend lots of time in the gym rebuilding and on the therapists table having treatment and massage. This is always going to be a problem now apparently.. and I'll have to work on it forever. Rather like when you say to the midwife after giving birth 'when can I stop doing pelvic floor exercises'... and she say's 'err never'.
It's clearly not enough that I had to have 4 abdominal surgeries, spend a month in hospital, swap all my muscle tone for body fat, end up with a stomach that looks like the surface of the moon (with a bit of bowel sticking out of it), miss out on my Ironman that I'd trained so hard for and lose pretty much 18 months of my life to illness, surgery and recovery. Huff.
My weight gain is another bug bear.. (and one I'm not entirely comfortable blogging about). I'm now about 12lbs heavier than I was before (sshh!).. I guess going from being an athlete to a sick couch potato would do that. And believe me, it's all fat! A fellow runner pointed that out last week at a club run 'Oh your body shape is TOTALLY different now isn't it'.. he says. A very helpful observation!!! Not. But I don't feel ready to put any pressure on myself to worry about losing weight just yet. The motivation to have a flat bikini stomach has gone forever and the desire to lose a few pounds to get my 10km time down.. well that's not exactly a priority. So I'm hoping that one day soon I'll wake up and the desire to really work on the weight loss will be there.. for the moment it's done a runner.
The whole thing has been an interesting process though and taught me a lot (see I'm trying to find a positive here!) about myself and others. Like I said in my last post, it's just going to take a long time and I need to be super patient and persevere. I know deep down that I'll get there eventually.. it's just uber frustrating.
Ironically, the bag is actually the least of my concerns. All I want is to be able to run without a knackered knee, hip or leg. It's not much to ask is it? I know things could have been much much worse. And in some ways I'm lucky to be here at all. But I want more from my life than that. I want to be able to compete in running and triathlon, to take part in crazy events, to feel fit and be able to run properly and freely and to just be me again. In the meantime, I'm just going to have a moan. Thanks for listening.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
The Pros and Cons of being a 'bag lady'
It hardly seems possibly that I've been living with my ileostomy for 6 months now. Life is very much 'back to normal' and the crazy juggle of kids, training, life, dog walking, work and all the other various commitments are keeping me busy to say the least. The bag really just fits in with my life and for the most part I forget it's there.. luckily the operation has worked really well and I'm feeling much better and able to cope with 'normal' life again.
There are moments however when it itches or annoys me and I just want to tear it off. There are times when I find it pretty repulsive to have a bit of bowel sticking out of my stomach.... well you would if you thought about it too long!
But I have to push those thoughts aside and remember what my health was like before. Over Christmas I found a letter I wrote to my surgeon back in May last year before I had the surgery.. here's an excerpt from it:
For the most part I'm feeling pretty good now. I don't think my digestion will ever be 100% again.. but I'm certainly a lot better than when I wrote that letter. I have a few food issues which have caused some minor blockages which make me feel quite unwell. Sweetcorn, mushrooms, beansprouts, green beans, bamboo shoots and nuts are all off the menu.. as well as high fibre foods and large meals. Alcohol is tricky.. half a glass of wine and I have a headache the next day! I'm becoming and expert in 'low alcohol' choices and spritzers. I'm not sure, but guess that's something to do with the colon which assists the liver in detoxification. Without an active colon my poor liver must be under more strain. Not that it's an issue, just an observation really.
I still seem to need more recovery from a training session that I used to take for granted, and find it hard to cope with late nights and need more sleep. Of course that might have nothing to do with the stoma and is just old age! I'm hoping that will improve as my fitness and health returns..
On the plus side however.. I'll never suffer from runners trots again. The bag does have its advantages for long runs :-)
Talking about running, my training is a bit hit and miss at the moment. Just before Christmas I was thrilled to complete a 9.3 mile run - my longest since June 2010 - and I was feeling really hopeful about taking part in the London marathon. I've signed up for Silverstone half marathon on 11th March and was hoping to build steadily for that.. and then onto the marathon in April. Well maybe..
But since then, my right knee has been niggling.. sigh. Probably due to muscle imbalances caused by surgery, bed rest and postural changes. And despite pilates, core work, stretching and sports massage, there's a still a problem. So it's back to the drawing board. It's one step forwards, two steps back as always and it's going to be a long battle. I have a feeling I'm going to need to dig deep into my reserves of patience and perseverance if I'm going to win it!
In the words of Winston Churchill 'Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
There are moments however when it itches or annoys me and I just want to tear it off. There are times when I find it pretty repulsive to have a bit of bowel sticking out of my stomach.... well you would if you thought about it too long!
But I have to push those thoughts aside and remember what my health was like before. Over Christmas I found a letter I wrote to my surgeon back in May last year before I had the surgery.. here's an excerpt from it:
...things are no better. In fact I feel absolutely terrible most of the time. I have no quality of life, am not working and can’t train. The most I can manage is a dog walk and shuffle around my beginner running group. This is mainly due to the constant bloating, distention, constipation and nausea. My diet is very limited as I cant’ tolerate fruit, veg, fibre, meat or even a sip of alcohol – and there are days where I have to resort to liquids or ‘mush’ food just to get through the day. I got to the point where I was taking 10 senna every day and it did nothing. Once or twice a week, I get to the point where I cant’ sleep I am so uncomfortable and spend the entire night awake, distended, feeling sick and miserable...
When I'm feeling grumpy about having the bag - which to be fair isn't very often - I just have to re-read that letter and it puts things in perspective. It sort of reminds me of childbirth or marathon running in a way. The memory of the pain and discomfort rapidly fades and you find yourself thinking 'oh that wasn't so bad'. I'm glad I've got that letter as it's a reminder of how bad things really were and why I'm where I'm at. In some ways I wonder how I managed to get through that time.. it was really rough.
For the most part I'm feeling pretty good now. I don't think my digestion will ever be 100% again.. but I'm certainly a lot better than when I wrote that letter. I have a few food issues which have caused some minor blockages which make me feel quite unwell. Sweetcorn, mushrooms, beansprouts, green beans, bamboo shoots and nuts are all off the menu.. as well as high fibre foods and large meals. Alcohol is tricky.. half a glass of wine and I have a headache the next day! I'm becoming and expert in 'low alcohol' choices and spritzers. I'm not sure, but guess that's something to do with the colon which assists the liver in detoxification. Without an active colon my poor liver must be under more strain. Not that it's an issue, just an observation really.
I still seem to need more recovery from a training session that I used to take for granted, and find it hard to cope with late nights and need more sleep. Of course that might have nothing to do with the stoma and is just old age! I'm hoping that will improve as my fitness and health returns..
On the plus side however.. I'll never suffer from runners trots again. The bag does have its advantages for long runs :-)
Talking about running, my training is a bit hit and miss at the moment. Just before Christmas I was thrilled to complete a 9.3 mile run - my longest since June 2010 - and I was feeling really hopeful about taking part in the London marathon. I've signed up for Silverstone half marathon on 11th March and was hoping to build steadily for that.. and then onto the marathon in April. Well maybe..
But since then, my right knee has been niggling.. sigh. Probably due to muscle imbalances caused by surgery, bed rest and postural changes. And despite pilates, core work, stretching and sports massage, there's a still a problem. So it's back to the drawing board. It's one step forwards, two steps back as always and it's going to be a long battle. I have a feeling I'm going to need to dig deep into my reserves of patience and perseverance if I'm going to win it!
In the words of Winston Churchill 'Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
Friday, 9 December 2011
What next?!?!
To be totally honest, it's taken a good couple of weeks to fully recover from Brighton 10km.. another small twang in my calf (the other leg this time), lots of stiff bits and very little desire to train. I actually felt like I'd run a marathon not just a 10km and physically and mentally was a bit wiped out. Fitness is as much about 'recovery' as it is about 'performance' and I guess my delayed recovery shows just how much of a toll the illness and surgery has taken on my body. I can't take anything for granted anymore nor take any short cuts. But this week has seen a turning point and I'm really enjoying my running again.. in fact last night I coached some 'hill reps' thinking I would just stand and shout at everyone, but I managed to join in.. and successfully coped with the session. I seriously surprised myself.
I'm still focusing on core work (yawn), lots of stretching and spending a fortune on massage and physical therapy treatments.. and without wanting to put a jinx on things, it seems to be working. I saw my good friend Elle at StrideUK last week and she was thrilled with the improvement in my core strength, especially my TVA which she said has improved by about 80% since she first saw me. Big GOLD STAR for me.. Yay.
On Wednesday night I ran with my club and actually ran with the main group rather than right at the back plodding along and it was fantastic.. chatting away with the girls and feeling like I was 'part' of the club again. Loved it!
Brighton 10km was great, but what I'm going to do next? I have absolutely no clue.
Not having a goal is a new situation for me and one I'm not entirely comfortable with. I honestly don't know what I'm capable of anymore and the rules are all re-written. That said, I'm keenly aware that I've been through the mill and don't need any undue pressure.. but I do need something to aim at... but how do I work out what the right goal is going to be?
The Virgin London Marathon is now only 19 weeks away and as much as I'd love to be there, I suspect it will just be too much too soon. Just the thought of it makes me feel under pressure - so I guess it's not the right goal just now.
A half marathon or spring triathlon might be just the thing instead and may provide a better balance of sports to keep me injury free.. anyway.. your suggestions are gratefully received! either way, I need something to inspire me, provide the right level of motivation but not finish me off completely. Something I can be proud of doing but not demoralised because of my lack of fitness or end position or time. Answers on a postcard please!
On another note altogether I've been reading a blog about an article in US Cosmopolitan that has caused a bit of a kerfuffle in the 'ostomy world'.
The woman in the article referred to her 'poop bag' and implied she was pleased when it was gone.. and this has seemingly offended some people. It got me thinking about how I felt about my bag and was I also offended by the terminology? Jess (the blogger who criticised the article) has an ileostomy (like me) and happens to be a fantastic advocate, raises awareness and shows that it isn't something to be ashamed of. But unlike Jess, I'm not entirely sure I'm offended by the terminology... after all it is a bag and it has poop in it.. hence it's a 'poop bag'. It's just a fact.
There are of course days when I wish I didn't have it either and I look at it and find it repulsive. When I had a reversal last October I was thrilled to get rid of it.. and actually wrote 'good riddance' on the bag before being wheeled down to theatre. Little did I know that I'd be begging the surgeon to put it back only 8 months later. I now have a significantly better quality of life because of it, and I'm lucky there was a solution for my illness.. many are not so fortunate. I guess I do have my own way of dealing with it.. and blogging and writing about it is one of those ways. I'm not going to hide it and I'm not ashamed of it .. but it doesn't define me. I don't consider myself to be disabled nor do I see it as a reason not to do things.. in some ways I consider it a challenge to overcome. But that doesn't mean that I think everyone should feel the same way. Many people struggle and many people never come to terms with it - perhaps like the woman in the Cosmo article.
I wouldn't say that I love my bag, but it has given me my health (and running!) back and for that I'll be forever grateful. It was a fascinating debate though and shows the depth and diversity of feelings that people have about their illnesses, experiences and life with a bag. Just shows how different we all are and we're all just coping in the only way we know how.
All the more reason for a blog like this I suppose. What I hope to do here is simply raise awareness and share my feelings, experiences and emotions (good and bad) about living life with an ileostomy.. or should I say 'adventures with an ileostomy' :-)
Monday, 21 November 2011
A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. Unknown
I'd moaned on all week about not being ready, being too slow, about having sore legs, about how it might set me back and I had swung back on forth on the decision about whether or not to take part. I've lost a lot of confidence over the last 18 months and I was really nervous about putting myself back 'on the line'. It would have been much easier just to support the others and use that as an excuse not to run.. especially knowing that most of them would actually go faster than me and I would probably be about 20 minutes slower than my best. No-one makes me feel like that though.. the group are amazingly supportive. I'm the one who beats myself up..
But on Saturday I decided to stop with the moaning and just toughen up and get on with it ... no excuses. Saturday night was spent getting my kit together, hunting for safety pins and deciding what to wear and feeling nervous.. just like times of old. So on Sunday, we all loaded onto the coach and headed off down to Brighton, everyone very nervous and excited! Before the race we all got warmed up and it was a brilliant sight seeing everyone in their club t-shirts.. I was so proud of them all.. they all looked fab!
Before the start I had to visit the loo a few times to empty the bag which caused a bit of a panic. I'd forgotten how my body would react to pre-race adrenaline and hadn't appreciated how it would speed up my output into the bag. When I get running though, there is a shift of blood flow away from the intestines and the bag doesn't fill up at all, but I didn't want to start the race with a full bag as a) it's really uncomfortable and b) it makes a rather large bulge in my lyrca.. not a good look. With hindsight I should have taken some immodium to slow things down - something to remember next time.
Anyway... onto the start line and I was standing with my friend Anita.. who is rather ironically my surgeon's secretary. She totally understands everything I've been through and knows more about my bowels than I do! It was quite a poignant way to start the race with her and she gave me a big hug before we started which was lovely and made me feel very emotional. I set off very conservatively not knowing how I'd feel or even really having any idea how to pace it. The feeling of 'racing' came back pretty quickly though and I found myself wanting to push on and not let people pass me.. I realised my pace was going to bring me in under the hour and possibly even 55 minutes.. that was a surprise! After about 7km I was feeling quite strong and managed to push on a bit more. I ran with a couple of my group - Sema and Raquel - for a while and that really spurred me on. I managed to find a finishing kick from somewhere and crossed the line in 53:48. I saw loads of friends around the course.. people I know from all different aspects of running as well as my lovely hubby and the boys who had come to watch - and they all gave me a lovely cheer! it was just brilliant.
But what surprised me the most though was how much I loved it! I just loved being part of a race again and even though I was 13 minutes slower than the last time I ran Brighton 10km 3 years ago.. I couldn't have worked any harder and I loved the adrenaline kick of racing hard! My max heart rate was 186 and average 168. Must have been a bit of a shock for my body as I haven't seen a heartrate like that for a VERY long time. Running down the finish chute with everyone cheering was just amazing and I had a giant smile on my face. I felt like a proper runner again and well.. just like ME!
Everyone in the group did so well and really enjoyed themselves. I know I wouldn't have done the race without their support either, so we are all helping each other and it's just brilliant. I was very proud of them all and if I'm honest... I'm proud of myself just a bit too.
This has been a huge turning point and I've proven to myself that I can be back in the game. Whilst I will always need to take care of myself a bit more than most and stay on top of injuries, recovery and nutrition.. I also need to be a bit more confident in my body and push it to see what it can do.
It can only get better from here and this has been the confidence boost I so badly needed. It would have been easier to watch from the sidelines, but I launched myself out of my comfort zone and into the unknown.. and it turned out just fine.
I might have been taken 'off track' for a while but I'm slowly finding my way back to the road. It might be a slightly different road to the one I was on before, but maybe it's actually heading in a better direction.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)